How to fall in love again: A 12 step instruction guide by Raven Reyes
by Harligh Quinn
Summary: "Who gives a fuck about your first love. Give a big round of applause for your second love because they taught you love still exists after you thought it never could again."


**Step one:**

Let it start as hurting; Let it be a pain so deep and true that it cannot be described in any other way besides _excruciating_. Convince yourself, there can be no end to it; this feeling. Not even when you're tumbling over the edge of yet another orgasm brought on by Bellamy's skilled tongue.

Know, in fact, that this only makes it worse.

Clothe your naked body as quickly as possible, and when he asks you if it helped, don't lie.

But recognize as you leave that the bittersweet feeling that comes with being with him, is the only balm left to apply for this phantom pain that persists long after Finn's already moved on.

Cry yourself to sleep.

* * *

**Step two:**

Avoid lingering thoughts of how he promised he'd always love you.

Focus on the war you are fighting now and building new weapons that will keep out an unwanted enemy. Make sure your plans are so detailed and so fool proof that no one can penetrate them or your defenses. Let yourself be lulled into a sense of safety that is so pure and so tangible it provides you the courage to keep going back to Bellamy's tent long after you promised yourself that **you would not.**

Do it without thinking.

Make it become a habit as involuntary as breathing.

Let the excruciating pain that you felt settle into a dull ache that only flares whenever you hear someone mention his name.

Forget.

* * *

**Step Three:**

Befriend the girl who is now the object of his affection.

Admire her skill and ability to heal those in pain. Wish that you could ask her to make yours stop. _Don't._ Instead treat her as your ally; know that she is also fighting the same battle. Understand that this is not how she wanted things to be.

Never hold it against her that this is how they are.

Smile even when you want to cry.

* * *

**Step Four:**

Stay busy.

* * *

**Step Five:**

Wake up one morning feeling like a weight has been lifted.

Search for that dull aching pain that you've gotten so used to carrying around. Feel strange now that it's not there anymore. See the former object of your affection, who's also your oldest friend and closest thing to family; become hyper-aware that the butterflies that used to flutter in his presence seem to have all died.

Realize that without that excruciating ache you have no connections left to anyone or anything.

Hit a new low.

Claim you have fallen Ill when everyone asks if you're alright. Lay in bed for three days.

Remember.

* * *

**Step Six:**

When Bellamy forces his way into your tent one night after everyone's gone to bed and demands you get your fucking shit together _take the bait._

Yell. Hit. Fight. Fuck.

Afterwards, when you're finally able to catch your breath, realize that this actually helped as he stands to get dressed. Don't share this revelation with him though, because he isn't asking, and you're trying not to care. Instead, watch him leave with new eyes.

Fall asleep and dream new dreams.

Get out of bed the next morning prepared to fight.

_Fight._

* * *

**Step Seven:**

Don't question Bellamy when he starts coming into _your_ tent at night.

Let the Earth continue to spin on its axis.

Only notice it doing so, the day Murphy takes Bellamy hostage. Come up with THE plan to save him. Get a slow moving bullet lodged in your gut to show for it. Come to terms with the fact that this is the end of the road for you; and try not to think about all you've lost because of caring too damn much after you lose the sensation in your toes.

Wish you had remembered to save some care for yourself.

_Let your world go dark._

* * *

**Step Eight:**

Open your eyes surrounded by white lights.

Feel an odd sense of wonder at heaven actually existing (and that you made it in). Spot three figures approaching you dressed from head to toe in black. Try to sit up so you can protect yourself. Notice your hands are strapped down.

Realize you made a huge mistake.

Try to scream for help but realize no one can save you now.

Give up.

* * *

**Step Nine:**

Forget your sense of time.

Retreat so far back into your mind that you forget there is an outside world. Focus on your last happy memory. Let it replay in your mind over and over until there is nothing else.

_"That's it."_

Hear Bellamy's sleepy voice talking to you as you ride him while slowly picking up the pace.

_"Yes, Raven. Just like that. More."_

Moan. Feel yourself getting closer to that place you knew so well once. Let the tears slip down your cheeks as he helps you along, steading your pace. Feel him start to pull away but only just enough so that he can wipe away a stray tear from your face before it can fall on his shoulder like the others you hadn't noticed were falling; Look at him.** _Really look at him._** Let him meet your eyes with a stare so piercing it touches something you forgot existed all while his hips continue to thrust up and into you. Feel something _excruciating _building up inside of you begging for release. Try to pull away, tell him this is too much; too intimate. Stop fighting it when rests his forehead against yours and tells you:

_"It's okay. Let it go Raven. I got you."_

Cum harder than you've ever cum in your life.

Let the scene replay in your mind until you're sure that's the only true reality you've ever known.

* * *

**Step Ten:**

Get jolted out of your reverie by the sound of explosions.

Pray that this time you will actually end up dead before the men in black suits come in. Believe you are still dreaming when Bellamy's face is the first one you see at the door followed by Finn and Commander Kane. Don't move. When they rush to help you out of the bed which you have reduced to, actually FEEL your legs give way under you. Bite your lip to keep from crying out at the sensation of your knee's meeting the cold tile beneath you.

Realize you are in fact awake when the pain does not dissipate and Bellamy picks you up bridal style and tells you:

_"Everything's going to be okay. I got you now."_

**Believe. **

* * *

**Step 11:**

Recover.

* * *

**Step 12:**

After Abby Griffin checks you over and confirms that the Mountain men successfully removed the bullet from your spine and possibly helped you with some physical therapy _feel_ a new since of pride at your ability to walk; or even move your toes. Try to exercise that ability as much as possible by walking around the new campground near the downed Mecha station and past the few tents they've erected in your absence.

Smile when you see Finn with Clarke now sitting by the fire.

Know that throughout this ordeal Clarke has remained your ally and Finn your oldest friend; who'd risked his life twice just to make sure you'd survive.

Laugh when Jasper offers you his latest batch of moonshine before taking a healthy sip. Thank Monty as he hands you a new walkie-talkie, and tells you not to lose it [because he knows from experience what can happen].

Promise you won't. [Cross your heart]

Keep walking. Take in the birds, the air, the sunshine. Feel a rush of giddiness that you haven't felt since you landed on Earth.

Notice your shadow, and how it stays with you always; ponder what that means to you as you take in the slightly larger shadow that lies beside it. Realize that since you were rescued three weeks ago that shadow hasn't left your side either [and maybe even before that].

Smile as Bellamy slips his hand into yours [witness your shadows doing the same.]

Accept that that you are actually in love again.

And -more importantly- that you are loved.


End file.
